I.am.just.so.tired.Iam.justso.tired.

I.am.just.so.tired.Iam.justso.tired...

Do.you.hear.me.no-ow?

Doyou.hearme.now?

Am.I.making.sense?

AmI.makingsense?

Or do you see me at all?

Today I heard you slipped away.
And I never got to tell you...

I saw you,
There-
The other day,

And my heart raced,
Mind spun,
Stomach ached-

But stepping aside,

To catch myself-

I stood up straight realizing

In the
End,

I ended up better than you.


Nothing "self righteous" about it.


I did better,
And will always be
Better than you.

Sometimes the most impossible
Things
Seem possible
When you're in it-

This mind bending game,
That's claimed me.

And it's terrifying-

That life could collapse in a second,
If you just gave in,

But giving in is all that saves you-

It's not wavering;

And when there is no certainty,
Old promises to myself
Become obsolete

How do I trust this beast in me?

I would do anything to believe-

Or be secure,
Or be set free.

No one

Talks about
The devastation it leaves.

No one;
Like we're just supposed to
Bounce back on our feet

And keep dreaming,
Unscathed-
Stay breathing

In the wake

And ignore the casualties.

But I guess I wasn't
Built that way,

With arms strong enough
To carry the weight it makes
Or
Agile enough to mend the
Heart it breaks.

No surgeon am
I
Hand unsteady-

Unsure of everything.

No one talks about
The bitter
Bite of loneliness
Or

How it hollows out
Places in your soul so deep
You didn't know you had them,

And don't have
Enough time in your life to
Reach them all.

No one talks about that.

They just wander on.

I
Don't wander on.
I can't wander on,
And not because of dwelling

Because I wasn't wired
To abandon ship
And wreck everything we've built

Just so I'LL be okay.

But it's never in the words
People say.

They just pass right through
Right passed
You

And you admire
Their lack-a-daisy ways.

And I wish I was more
Motivated

Or had a goal that hadn't faded
And
A
Heart that wasn't jaded;

I wish it were that way.

Because then I'd know that girl
From years ago-
Who had deep
Seeded ambition

And a fiery soul;
Determined-to take
On the world
Come
What may.

But I don't even know that girl
Anymore...

And
No
One
Talks about the blistering
Ache of that loneliness-

When you can't even make
The you
You used to know-

Stay...

Some Nights

I dream sweeter things
And some
Nights the emptiness sings
And some nights
You're where my hope swings
And some nights
I abandon everything.

I Believe You,

I Believe You-

But I don't believe
Myself.

I don't believe I did what was
Right-

And even though you say to me,
I did the best possible thing,

It doesn't take the sting away.

It doesn't take the miss away.

It doesn't give me that full
Feeling

And so I'm without that-
And him...


And you-soon too-
So certain in where you stand;

Might get fed up with
My questions
Asking

If
I did the right thing.

I believe you.
I believe you.

But I don't believe me-

I don't believe I was my best self

Though I was sure I was being
It at the time;

I'd rather think
I wasn't my best

Than that he rejected my best.

So
Maybe it's better that we don't
Agree-

Because believing you,
Means accepting it all,

And I
Don't believe that I can do that,

And I don't believe

In me.

And it's hard to lead the life you choose

When all your luck's run out on you.

I miss you when

It's late-
The love I never had.

And hating you all the same

For making nights feel bad.

I write to voids
Who know not my name,

In all the spaces-
I'm writing you.

And in secret,
I wish you'd know that this void,

Has become my waiting room.

Like maybe you,
Would figure it out-

Then care,

The knock on my door;

So I spin out the letters,
That dance into words,

That I pray will collide into yours.

And the
Wars that I wade in,
The wars of myself,

When I'm convincing myself to believe-

That it's better to stay,
And wait for you here;

Then it would be better to leave...


Are brutal;
And leave bruises in every
Part of me.


So-
I write here-

Clickity
Clack

Clickity
Clack

Day after day

In this waiting room-
Thinking

Only one word is all that I need.

Only one word-
And one word from you,



So I write the day and night away,

Praying to God that I'm getting through.

It gnaws away at
The spirit of me,
Day by day-

The way
There is nothing
Steady...
Nothing constant-

Nothing real.


I look at my life in segmets,

Once chapters-
Turned too short;
Too sporadic
To be great markers
In the legends of time.

It's in and out
Far and near
People go,
They come,
They stay,
If only for a moment

Then go again...

Mostly go.

And I am like
A trembling reed
Near the impatient creek-bed,
In the impatient wind-

Swaying to
And fro.

Praying
"God! Oh God!
Give me something!

Something still,
That's alive,

Not dull like the solid
Gray of loneliness...

Please God!"

And days pass and
The hope I find in the
Praying itself gets
Me
By...

Until I grow weary
And I fall and fumble again.

And miss the light
I once saw in the world,
And some days

The trees that drape over
Show sympathy;
Have mercy

And let in some light-
On this little blade
Of grass-
So fragile and weak.

And storms shatter overhead
And the roaring becomes the
Only lullaby
I know-

That gets me
To sleep.

And my life-
Is like
A distant
Memory...

And my future
Only a dream,

For the hours,
The fragments,
The whole days

Stuck on repeat
In monotony.

Oh I pray,
Save this little reed-
Father Time

And
Fair fortune-

I beg,

Give anything.

I'd Give

Anything,
For Anything-

Sent by your fingertips...

Or by word of mouth,
Or the soft, sweet,
Whisper
Of your lips....

Again.

And
For
A sweet song in the night?

I'd give all my sonnets...
And for what was-
I'd give
All the breath in me to mend.

You-

The only real thing I
Had to look forward to-

And no,
You never needed me

Quite like I needed you.

But, as it gets closer to summer

I miss the blank pages that
Were never woven together
For words
I never got to write-

I miss the plans I was too afraid
To buy a map for-
But hopeful

Would pan out

Into something more than I had.

I miss the hope of something
Good-

Like getting to fall in love with
You.

And I'd give anything to rewind
And pause my life in the
Pretending-

Because as fake as it was
The way my heart felt was the

Realest thing I've felt
In so long-

And because I never expected
You,
I drink up that memory more-

You were such a surprise,
Something special I treasured
After so much drought
And desperation
For so long.

And I ached
To keep you safe,
Close to my chest,
Wrapped up in my warm hands-

Still and soft
Every night;
Thanking God-
That for the first time in forever,
I had something right.

And I miss holding the hope of
You-
Even though it slipped
Right through
The crevices of my closed
Finger tips-

As I longed for iron hands-

And I am drowning
In desperation,

Missing the song of you.

I hate the lies that poured out
Of your
Mouth

And I hate that I'd drink them
Up
Still

And I miss them
Like they've been cut out of me.

And I hate the way you dangled
Yourself right in front of me
But I could never have you-

And you had all
The hope in me-
You captivated me...

And pulled
Every ounce of breath
Right from my chest.
And I gravitated towards you-

And I hate that I wasn't what
Was right-
After everything-
I wasn't on your list.

And you?
Were everything on mine.

Like I had dreamed you up;
You were the impossible to find.

But oh,

You came quick and strong
And left sharp and bold;

And I hate all the seconds I
Blinked because I'm sure
I missed there-

Whole moments of you.

And I'd give
My heart
For one last second
Of you.

And I'd never blink again!
Or Move!

And I hate
That it came down between you
And my dignity-

What a dirty game!

I try not to regret picking me,

But oh how I hate missing you.

And isn't that a loss of dignity all The same?
Because I pick you in the Stillness of the night-
Where no one knows...

So low!

I've lost twice at my own game...

Me-
The unruly,
Unkempt,
Undefinable mistake-
You erased from your list,

After calculating
That I was only a stain...

The stain
You washed right out of
You-

You, who were so disgusted
With

The hope of love
That I'd fallen into.

INSERT SWEAR WORD HERE!

I am so SICK of DEALING with the FINANCIAL AID situation.

I hate knowing in the bottom of my stomach that everything is going to go sour,
and the bottom will fall out and I will not be able to finish school.

I'm sick of everything always collapsing.

I'm DONE.

I'm Really

tired of being used up by my "friends"-for rides, or just so I can be their meal ticket. I realize I'm a pushover-and probably very easy to take advantage of, because I just assume people have good intentions and would never use me-but I'm figuring out, that most of my "friends" only come around when it's beneficial for them-when they are hungry, or need a ride or have a heavy load of burdens they need to dump or venting they need to get out...I am their trash bag.

The funny thing about this, is not only do they feel like they can lie to me, or treat me the way they want, they only call me when their other thuggy friends are not available-friends that would sell them out for their next hit.

And I'm sick of it.

I'm tired of doing everything and never getting anything in return. I'm tired of being stood up, when I've sat aside my whole evening to make plans...and I'm tired of being lied to and pretending like I don't know, just so I can dole out numerous chances HOPING they will come around.

I just got a job, and I have to help out MY family out, most of them have jobs and just pad their pockets with it because their parents give them lunch money-yet, when they decide to go out with me, they never have any-so I foot the bill, knowing they'd never do the same for me.
And I'm sick of it.
We use MY car, MY gas money.

And in the weeks that go by in between visits, the phone never rings, and the only messages sent are always from me, never being returned with a response until someone gets hungry or needs advice...advice that they never really CARE to take, they just want me to spin my wheels for an hour as we indulge together in the drama of the moment; pretending like we actually still have anything in common even though neither of us have had a real conversation in months.

And I'm mentally exhausted with it.
I'm so sick of being alone all the time-

Alone in all of my relationships.

It's incredibly tiresome and expensive.

And I don't know how much longer I'm going to be able to put up with it.

I'm so exhausted with

Waging wars against my body.

It is tiresome and old

And I never seem to run out of
Ammunition

Or leave myself a place to hide-

Or anything sacred and special
To fall into

When these fits of rage
And self loathing overtake me,

And I pick apart
My soft stomach
And my uneven skin
And my arms
And my thighs
And the too shrill sound of my
Voice.

And I wish I could raise
My
White
Flag

But I'm on both sides of this war...

And with every battle-

I lose myself
Over and over

More and more

Every day.

Please fix it all

And make me a


Liar.

I'd be lying if I said I

Didn't wish you missed me

Just a little bit.

And everyone seems to be falling in

And staying
In

Love-

But me...

I wandered through fiction to look for the truth
Buried beneath all the lies
And I stood at a distance to feel who you are
Hiding myself in your eyes

Hold on before its too late
We'll run til we leave this behind
Don’t fall just be who you are
Its all that we need in our lives

And the risk that might break you's
the one that would save
A life you don’t live is still lost
So stand on the edge with me hold back your fear and see
Nothing is real till its gone

...

Live like you mean it
Love till you feel it
Its all that we need in our lives
So stand on the edge with me
Hold back your fear and see
Nothing is real til its gone

Hold on before its too late
We'll run til we leave this behind
Don’t fall just be who you are
Its all that we need in our life
Its all that I need in my life


I've fallen back in love with this song, because this is where I was a year ago-just graduating...and ready to get out of a relationship that was failing, knowing that I'd lose all my friends as soon as I did.

At the time, I hid myself away in other people, and forgot the person I was and what really made me happy.
The negative influences of those people were like poison-they are demons I still face from time to time...telling me, I'm not good enough, I'll never make it, I'm too fat, too obnoxious, too different, too odd, too weak, too foolish; inferior, nothing, small, worthless-making me feel hopeless, fearful and afraid...

I used to live my life afraid to show the real me and let her shine through, because then, they'd all leave.

But they all left anyway, and I've found that one true song inside myself that I betrayed, that I sold out-has been the only thing there to break my fall.

People leave you, they are malicious, cruel, disrespectful, they break you-they cut you too the core, they infiltrate your brain, they scorch you.

They stifle you.

But that one true light-that fire inside ourselves, is always burning until the day we die...it's our job to never leave it unattended-to protect that flame so that it will never be dampened by the cruel and cold hearted ways of other people.

People...that shouldn't have a say, because THEY are broken. THEY are the ones that need a heart and a life change; and you'll search yourself for years trying to fix THEIR mistakes and they will let you...because THEY are too weak, too poor in character to search for it themselves.

There are things I lost in those years when I was chasing something I could never obtain. I lost a best friend, who had always been there-who, came to my graduation though she lived in a different city to see me, that I didn't take the time to see...because traipsing around with "The Big Brain" was more important.
After that day,

we never spoke again.

A short time later, her brother passed away, and I was heartbroken-heartbroken because I failed her. I REALLY FAILED her...for the approval of fake friends. Something, I don't know that I'll ever REALLY be able to forgive myself for.

I gave her up-for the drug of their acceptance- a cheap, short-lived thrill that I never really reaped any benefits from.

I gave my Mom up-she was my best friend prior too my "relationship" with him and those people. I became verbally abusive and rude, and would throw tantrums, and spoke words of hate and rage to the people that I loved.

HE always came first, and the rat race was more important than morning coffee, midnight drives, dinner at the Mont, and warm, real, embraces.

I lost so many opportunities in the constant strife to complete an endless obstacle course with no medals or trophies or pats on the back at the end.

I missed out on having a blast at school dances, having slumber parties, going out with real friends, laughing everyday, and just...being happy.


Today I stand on my own.
I have my mom.

I've been out of school a semester, and my day consists of painting, working out, cleaning the house, reading poetry or scripture and working like crazy at a job that I worked hard to get-and genuinely love; something I take care of-that's mine.

My face is rounder than it used to be-because I love to celebrate the week by going out and eating delicious food with my best friend; my mother, and though I was much thinner before-I glow now. I look happy. I look alive again.

And I've never been happier.
I've never been more successful.


In the solitude,
And peace-
I found myself. I let go of what I thought I wanted, took a leap-and succeeded. And God has shown me, that the things you'd sell your soul to have...are usually not worth having, and the blessings he's already filled your life with-are the things that remain constant-your gifts, your family, and His word.

In a cruel attempt to get at me, I read this post from an ex friend that said something to the affect of...

"Why don't you at least go get some real friends?"

To which I'd like to respond...

"As real as yours? No thank you. The price is entirely too high."

But that is something I can't open her eyes too-that's why I took no offense. You can't be mad at people about what they don't see. Infact,
I am the definition of a failure in their eyes...

But little do they know...
I am the epitome of success in my own.

The Funny Thing About Pretending...

Is that it never lasts.

Oh how I wish it could-

Because then I could pretend you were still here,
And it would be because you wanted to be...

And you would be who I thought you were
Instead of who you are;

But that pretending,
Is only a dream.

And I wish you

Could be here
To pretend with me.

You obviously did-
That's all that was,

And honestly-
I guess I have no self respect,
Because I wish it would have lasted,
Even if it was only me

Being real and you pretending...

The funny thing about pretending
Is you get addicted to it,
And forget it isn't real...

I miss pretending I didn't know the truth,
And you pretending that you really did care about me.

...And That's What Moves Me...

The way the way the puddles chase
Your heels,
As your feet glide through,

The way your soft spoken whisper
Can fill the space of a room,

The way time stands still,
In those moments with you-

Right before you lean into kiss me...

That's what moves me.

The way I drink inspiration from the spirit of you,

The way your finger tips look
In the light of the moon,

And the curve of your face,
As it's leaning in towards mine-

That is what moves me;

The soft
Sacred
Warmth;
The
Security of your embrace,

Where no shadows lurk,
And there are no demons to face-

Where I can love you
Close-
With no spaces in between us...

That is what moves me.

And in this solitude,
And the time that separates;

Where no words have been spoken-
And long are the days

Without you-

I am only still,
Waiting to be moved.

Because you are what moves me.

It's moments like this-

That I miss you;

Not the sharp
Painful
Side biting
Aching miss-

The soft, sweet,
Warm tasting
Miss-
Like
Honey
On my lips-
Sun kissing me
Right on the mouth,
Type of missing...

That tastes sweet,
Like nectar

Where I could wrap up
In your memory,
Like it's a warm blanket

Holding me on the porch swing

Under August stars.

The way that
Doesn't deteriorate Me,

Or bite;

Or sting-

The way that
Sinks into my skin
Like the sweetest bits of rain;

And I am soaked with you-

The only thing I want to
Be covered in-

Your memory,
Right here

In this moment...

Are you lost or incomplete?

Do you feel like a puzzle; you can't find your missing piece?


Let's talk...

The Smashing Pumpkins

Are my only friends

Tonight...

I wish I had you;

Well not you.
The you I thought you
Were

To ride with me to sonic
And get a diet coke with
Cherries
And a strawberry slush;

Even though I hate slushes.

I don't mind if you drink them-
As long as you're next to me.

But not you;

The you I wish you'd be.

Rugged

I swear-

I'm more exhausted than you know;

Writing you here-
With nothing to hide,

A million miles overcome;
So
Worn out,
And tired-

But still-

So
Real
And alive...

I'm rugged
And bruised-

But I'm doing alright.




Back there
In the city-

Before I took my flight;

Were the glassy,
Sky towers,
That glisten at night-

And the fake
Pop up houses,

The perfect facade-

That draws you in-
Forcefully;
Pretending it's God.

But it is not God...



Out here,
In these mountains,
The travels I've seen-

The ground has been
Rocky,

The dirt has been mean;

It's licked at my hands

And deep down to my soul-

But I knew in that city-

That I had to go.

And in this sweet
Solitude

I'm closer to God;
Not drowning in lies
Or the promises I bought,

I'm coming up rugged-
And the rubber is hot

From the soles of my sneakers;
And the holes from the rot

In my faded,
Worn out jeans.


I'm coming up rugged-

And although it seems-
You're better off than me;

It's a mask that you weave...

And this empty

Empire

Could never deceive,

Like the backbiting
High life

And the lies that you lead...

I Don't Apologize

For the words I said,
No-matter how mean or malicious they were.

I meant them...
I felt them,

From my head to my feet,
To the deepest parts of my soul;

And "oughts" and "should haves"
Became irrelevant;

Because in that moment,
Of
Agonizing,
Anger
And rage-

I said it;
And it was the truth.

You know what I don't understand?
Why that's not okay...

I've never slipped up before-
Like that;

Or unleashed that side of myself...

But with her I did.

And I'm not sorry.

Because it was real.

I don't get why we are supposed to mask emotion
And play like it's okay-

When it's not okay...
When it will never be okay.

Anger is just as real as happiness,
Yet we are supposed to bottle it up
Like a caged animal

And trapped-
It grows into an
Overwhelming rage.

I understand civility,
And presenting your anger in a mature manner...

But when people cross that line with you,
And do the unforgivable,

It goes entirely passed civility.

Everyone would disagree with that.
And no,
It's probably not what God would want.

He would want me to have been silent,
Or still,
Hold my dignity,
And my tongue...

But I didn't.
And I still don't regret it.
I still don't feel like it was a mistake.

It was something that had been stewing for years,
That I didn't understand.

And for forever,
I'd blamed myself,
My pride-
My jealousy.

I never knew there was something at the other
End provoking me,
Without words-

I didn't even realize that was possible...

But she-
Brought out a side in me,
That I didn't know I had-

This toxic,
Angry,
Person;
Volatile
And alive.

But real.


It was real.

And I don't regret it-
Because of that reason.

Because I said
What I really felt-
What I really needed to say,
What she really needed to hear.

Every ounce of it,
Was genuine
Rage

And
I stand by it.

It makes me more genuine
Than fake

More human
Than plastic

More imperfect,
And unruly
And alive.


I don't apologize.

What was said that day
Was what was on my heart.

It was what I felt
And it was what she deserved.

For the First Time in Forever...

I am out of words.

Time has out-spun itself
And has left me here,

With nothing to write about.


Except...

For the dream.

It's been on my mind all day.

Last night,
I dreamed about
Cejda.

Yes,
Cejda-
Cejda like
I still had some entitlement to him.

Not Zac.

Not...
This perfect stranger
That I don't even know.

He was Cejda,
He was mine-

Which is pretty strange
Because now,
I don't even think I'd speak to him in passing.

Not out of spite-
Out of...
Honestly?
Gut wrenching,
Heart bending-
Hurt.

There's just too much there-
Too much nothingness.

And it's the oddest thing,
How that once, at random, I could just lean in and kiss him
Like he was mine or something
And
Now
I don't even know the
Rules and regulations
For making eye contact
-And if there are any-
(In that awkward situation,
Where I might ever see him again).

I say it would hurt-
But
Honestly,
Re-thinking it,
I don't know if it would.

It should hurt,
I think.
Just a little?
And in some ways I wish it did;
That small twinge of discomfort

As apposed to apathy?

You know...
Constituting that maybe what we had
Possibly meant something
To one of us?

I'm getting carried away.



In the dream,
I was walking down the isle towards him-
I assume we were getting married.

We were outside in a garden-
I was in a pink and white sundress,
And he was in a polo and khaki shorts-

Everything was bright and hazy
Spring was all around us;
Cherry blossoms were blowing thick
Through the air,
Filling my nose with the sweetest scents;
Showering the two of us and all of our guests.

And all I can remember is that I was really happy-
And I was looking down at my feet,
My pink toe-nails
In my little white sandals...
Stepping forward...
Breathing deeply,
Ready to go.

But suddenly,
I looked up-
And I really saw him,
And seeing him-
Threw me off balance.

There he was...

He,
Whom I had fought with,
And against,
And for
And...

The sorrow just started filling me up;
And so came that gnawing feeling in the
Pit of my stomach.

With each step I took
The heavier the feeling became.

He smiled as I got there and
When I turned towards him-
He leaned in to kiss me-

And everything slowed down.


I remember seeing myself, like I was sitting in the crowd-
Praying to God that I would feel something;
Anything...

Like maybe this time,
I could save it.
Maybe if I just gave a little bit more,
Or did something else-
Or held my breath long enough
I could fix it.

But there was nothing...
The kiss was flat-
It was dead
Just like it was at the end-

Just like this time last year.


And I backed away;
And told him I didn't love him
And that I couldn't marry him.

And when I woke up my
Cheeks and neck were burning up
And my forehead was drenched in sweat.

But I was safe.




It's not the first dream I've had like this

And I can't figure out what it is about.
I never even think about Zac-
Not really
Anymore.

He's so far away;
I'm starting to forget what he looks like.

Except for his eyes-
I'll never forget those.

But it comes down to that same feeling
Always,

We just didn't,
Don't,
And never will,
Fit-

Perhaps in "our" time we did-
That brief period
Of euphoria at the beginning;
When everything was right-

But that time
Too,
Has passed.

Honestly now?

Every single day,
I'm so glad
He picked her over me.

There is no better feeling in the world

And I never thought I'd say that.

Letting him go wasn't easy
And in the dreams

It never gets easier.

But I do it every time,

In some way or another

And it's agonizing and liberating
And it feels as real as it did in October

But better,
Because I know the outcome now-

That we will both be happier without each-other.

And I loved him
Some part of me
Will always love him
But I wasn't in love with him anymore.
And that wasn't something either of us could change.

And I don't think he would have if he'd had the choice-
Because I think in all honesty,
He wasn't in love with me either
And that's okay.

We were always drawn together by this force bigger than ourselves
But we were so polar opposite that I don't think we ever really understood why.

He was a learning experience that's for sure;

But above all things-
He was and still is a mystery to me;

A mystery that I've given up trying to solve-
But obviously (despite my efforts)
Can never REALLY seem to
Let go of.

I wish I could because I am
So ready.

But I guess things like that-

No-matter how
Good, bad, ugly or confusing-

Will always be apart of you;

They just have their hooks in you...

No-matter how much time there is
In between-

Cejda will always be there;

And I guess I'm going to have to
Get to where
I'm okay with that.

"I'm standing in the middle of the desert
Waiting for my ship to come in
But now no joker, no jack, no king
Can take this loser hand
And make it win...


I'm leaving Las Vegas
And I won't be back
No I won't be back
Not this time..."

-Sheryl

Oh and I just want you

want you want you want you...

If I had stayed

I wouldn't know
What I know now.

I would have never found it;

What truly makes me happy-

And he wouldn't have either.

I would have never
Started writing again;
I would have never met LeeMychael or Stabler or Austin or Keagan.
I would have never been able to
Take pictures of
A Picture of The World.

I would have never
Had Jon
Or Chime nights
Or Brandon
Or doug

Or Cici-my
Cici.

I would have never learned to
Play the guitar
Or known what a real friend
Looks like-

I would have never
Felt the wind on my face.

I would have never fallen in love
Again

Or been kissed-
Really kissed

For the first time in my life.

I would have just stayed

Settled
And selfishly

Made him settle
Too.

I would still be wasting
Weekends away

And days of my life

In front of a t.v.
Listening to dirty jokes
And watching game after game
Of Brawl;

I would still be coming second to
A computer.


My heart,
My thoughts,
My writing-

Would still fall irrelevant.

And the phone would still never
Ring.

No-matter how much I wanted it
To.

And I would be a wife-
Or dead really;

With him.

If I hadn't left-
I would have never lived.

If I hadn't left-

I would still
Be
15 years old...

Perpetually a high schooler

For the rest of my life.