For the First Time in Forever...

I am out of words.

Time has out-spun itself
And has left me here,

With nothing to write about.


Except...

For the dream.

It's been on my mind all day.

Last night,
I dreamed about
Cejda.

Yes,
Cejda-
Cejda like
I still had some entitlement to him.

Not Zac.

Not...
This perfect stranger
That I don't even know.

He was Cejda,
He was mine-

Which is pretty strange
Because now,
I don't even think I'd speak to him in passing.

Not out of spite-
Out of...
Honestly?
Gut wrenching,
Heart bending-
Hurt.

There's just too much there-
Too much nothingness.

And it's the oddest thing,
How that once, at random, I could just lean in and kiss him
Like he was mine or something
And
Now
I don't even know the
Rules and regulations
For making eye contact
-And if there are any-
(In that awkward situation,
Where I might ever see him again).

I say it would hurt-
But
Honestly,
Re-thinking it,
I don't know if it would.

It should hurt,
I think.
Just a little?
And in some ways I wish it did;
That small twinge of discomfort

As apposed to apathy?

You know...
Constituting that maybe what we had
Possibly meant something
To one of us?

I'm getting carried away.



In the dream,
I was walking down the isle towards him-
I assume we were getting married.

We were outside in a garden-
I was in a pink and white sundress,
And he was in a polo and khaki shorts-

Everything was bright and hazy
Spring was all around us;
Cherry blossoms were blowing thick
Through the air,
Filling my nose with the sweetest scents;
Showering the two of us and all of our guests.

And all I can remember is that I was really happy-
And I was looking down at my feet,
My pink toe-nails
In my little white sandals...
Stepping forward...
Breathing deeply,
Ready to go.

But suddenly,
I looked up-
And I really saw him,
And seeing him-
Threw me off balance.

There he was...

He,
Whom I had fought with,
And against,
And for
And...

The sorrow just started filling me up;
And so came that gnawing feeling in the
Pit of my stomach.

With each step I took
The heavier the feeling became.

He smiled as I got there and
When I turned towards him-
He leaned in to kiss me-

And everything slowed down.


I remember seeing myself, like I was sitting in the crowd-
Praying to God that I would feel something;
Anything...

Like maybe this time,
I could save it.
Maybe if I just gave a little bit more,
Or did something else-
Or held my breath long enough
I could fix it.

But there was nothing...
The kiss was flat-
It was dead
Just like it was at the end-

Just like this time last year.


And I backed away;
And told him I didn't love him
And that I couldn't marry him.

And when I woke up my
Cheeks and neck were burning up
And my forehead was drenched in sweat.

But I was safe.




It's not the first dream I've had like this

And I can't figure out what it is about.
I never even think about Zac-
Not really
Anymore.

He's so far away;
I'm starting to forget what he looks like.

Except for his eyes-
I'll never forget those.

But it comes down to that same feeling
Always,

We just didn't,
Don't,
And never will,
Fit-

Perhaps in "our" time we did-
That brief period
Of euphoria at the beginning;
When everything was right-

But that time
Too,
Has passed.

Honestly now?

Every single day,
I'm so glad
He picked her over me.

There is no better feeling in the world

And I never thought I'd say that.

Letting him go wasn't easy
And in the dreams

It never gets easier.

But I do it every time,

In some way or another

And it's agonizing and liberating
And it feels as real as it did in October

But better,
Because I know the outcome now-

That we will both be happier without each-other.

And I loved him
Some part of me
Will always love him
But I wasn't in love with him anymore.
And that wasn't something either of us could change.

And I don't think he would have if he'd had the choice-
Because I think in all honesty,
He wasn't in love with me either
And that's okay.

We were always drawn together by this force bigger than ourselves
But we were so polar opposite that I don't think we ever really understood why.

He was a learning experience that's for sure;

But above all things-
He was and still is a mystery to me;

A mystery that I've given up trying to solve-
But obviously (despite my efforts)
Can never REALLY seem to
Let go of.

I wish I could because I am
So ready.

But I guess things like that-

No-matter how
Good, bad, ugly or confusing-

Will always be apart of you;

They just have their hooks in you...

No-matter how much time there is
In between-

Cejda will always be there;

And I guess I'm going to have to
Get to where
I'm okay with that.