I wandered through fiction to look for the truth
Buried beneath all the lies
And I stood at a distance to feel who you are
Hiding myself in your eyes

Hold on before its too late
We'll run til we leave this behind
Don’t fall just be who you are
Its all that we need in our lives

And the risk that might break you's
the one that would save
A life you don’t live is still lost
So stand on the edge with me hold back your fear and see
Nothing is real till its gone

...

Live like you mean it
Love till you feel it
Its all that we need in our lives
So stand on the edge with me
Hold back your fear and see
Nothing is real til its gone

Hold on before its too late
We'll run til we leave this behind
Don’t fall just be who you are
Its all that we need in our life
Its all that I need in my life


I've fallen back in love with this song, because this is where I was a year ago-just graduating...and ready to get out of a relationship that was failing, knowing that I'd lose all my friends as soon as I did.

At the time, I hid myself away in other people, and forgot the person I was and what really made me happy.
The negative influences of those people were like poison-they are demons I still face from time to time...telling me, I'm not good enough, I'll never make it, I'm too fat, too obnoxious, too different, too odd, too weak, too foolish; inferior, nothing, small, worthless-making me feel hopeless, fearful and afraid...

I used to live my life afraid to show the real me and let her shine through, because then, they'd all leave.

But they all left anyway, and I've found that one true song inside myself that I betrayed, that I sold out-has been the only thing there to break my fall.

People leave you, they are malicious, cruel, disrespectful, they break you-they cut you too the core, they infiltrate your brain, they scorch you.

They stifle you.

But that one true light-that fire inside ourselves, is always burning until the day we die...it's our job to never leave it unattended-to protect that flame so that it will never be dampened by the cruel and cold hearted ways of other people.

People...that shouldn't have a say, because THEY are broken. THEY are the ones that need a heart and a life change; and you'll search yourself for years trying to fix THEIR mistakes and they will let you...because THEY are too weak, too poor in character to search for it themselves.

There are things I lost in those years when I was chasing something I could never obtain. I lost a best friend, who had always been there-who, came to my graduation though she lived in a different city to see me, that I didn't take the time to see...because traipsing around with "The Big Brain" was more important.
After that day,

we never spoke again.

A short time later, her brother passed away, and I was heartbroken-heartbroken because I failed her. I REALLY FAILED her...for the approval of fake friends. Something, I don't know that I'll ever REALLY be able to forgive myself for.

I gave her up-for the drug of their acceptance- a cheap, short-lived thrill that I never really reaped any benefits from.

I gave my Mom up-she was my best friend prior too my "relationship" with him and those people. I became verbally abusive and rude, and would throw tantrums, and spoke words of hate and rage to the people that I loved.

HE always came first, and the rat race was more important than morning coffee, midnight drives, dinner at the Mont, and warm, real, embraces.

I lost so many opportunities in the constant strife to complete an endless obstacle course with no medals or trophies or pats on the back at the end.

I missed out on having a blast at school dances, having slumber parties, going out with real friends, laughing everyday, and just...being happy.


Today I stand on my own.
I have my mom.

I've been out of school a semester, and my day consists of painting, working out, cleaning the house, reading poetry or scripture and working like crazy at a job that I worked hard to get-and genuinely love; something I take care of-that's mine.

My face is rounder than it used to be-because I love to celebrate the week by going out and eating delicious food with my best friend; my mother, and though I was much thinner before-I glow now. I look happy. I look alive again.

And I've never been happier.
I've never been more successful.


In the solitude,
And peace-
I found myself. I let go of what I thought I wanted, took a leap-and succeeded. And God has shown me, that the things you'd sell your soul to have...are usually not worth having, and the blessings he's already filled your life with-are the things that remain constant-your gifts, your family, and His word.

In a cruel attempt to get at me, I read this post from an ex friend that said something to the affect of...

"Why don't you at least go get some real friends?"

To which I'd like to respond...

"As real as yours? No thank you. The price is entirely too high."

But that is something I can't open her eyes too-that's why I took no offense. You can't be mad at people about what they don't see. Infact,
I am the definition of a failure in their eyes...

But little do they know...
I am the epitome of success in my own.